Candice DeWitt

I always love it when people post up their projects in a collage, showing how their fiber came, how it spun, and then how it plied. I love seeing the change, and how something that might not be colors you love or expect ends up into this gorgeous yarn. My favorite scarf, to this day, is made out of some fiber I picked up at a festival that was busy and overly colorful and I wasn’t at all sure I would truly love it until I finished spinning it and all those colors blended and melded together to make the most gorgeous yarn I’ve ever made.

This fiber is Tapestry Roses, from Created by Elsie B. I found her on Instagram and fell in love with her color choices. This colorway in particular I actually named, because she wasn’t sure what to call it and a bunch of us threw out suggestions. Mine stuck, and I felt obligated to order it. I’m so glad I did – her fiber is WONDERFUL. It spins beautifully, isn’t smushed or felted together anywhere, and the colors didn’t bleed when I washed the finished yarn, either. Since starting this yarn back in August I’ve ordered more fiber from her and will probably order more (even though I don’t at all have the time right now to spin through it lol).

I ended up with about 384 yards of 3ply, with a large chunk left of single on the bobbin to spin into a 2ply. Might have to come up with something that uses both yarn textures.

Pattern: Elaine’s Blouse, modified to have ribbing on the bottom and not at the waist.

I finished this back in November on my knitting weekend away, but just now got around to getting it photographed. The snow is so lovely this weekend, and it seemed like a perfect situation for some proper photographs. I had a hard time not shaking from the cold – the wind on that end of the porch was awful – but a few deep breaths to just tolerate it, knowing I’d be back in warmth in a few minutes, and it would be over. Modeling is hard, ya’ll.

Quilt blocks finished: 9/48

Hats: 1/3

Socks: 1

Ornaments made: 0

But, hey, I nailed my ginger macarons today. Little things, yes? And my holiday cards are printed, addressed, and ready for the mail. I actually went out last night for a bit of mommy time to shop at TJMaxx, and came home with a few gifts purchased since it has become apparent that I will never get the time needed to finish all these projects with a kid fighting for my attention. Knitting is actually easier with him, to be honest, because he has this habit lately of snuggling up mid afternoon to watch a movie and then he passes out and naps on me – that’s pretty much the only way I’ve finished that pair of socks. So maybe I can at least get the hats done, if I can’t get the quilt done.

Today, a post on Facebook led me down the rabbit hole and I discovered this post from No Sidebar. I nearly cried at my desk as I read it on my lunch break because it hit home so very much.

Maybe that’s why it’s hard to let go of past identities and the stuff that goes along with it. We spend years, even decades, carefully cultivating exterior facades to shape how we perceive ourselves and how we want others to perceive us.

So, when we no longer have that same facade we’ve spent so long developing (because of a career change, family shift etc), it can be incredibly painful. In these instances, we are literally losing a piece of ourselves. And that’s going to hurt.

Last week, I put my 2 weeks notice in at a job I’ve been miserable in for months. A job that I worked so very hard to get, and then worked even harder to do. A job that became so all-consuming and draining of my mental health to the point where anxiety kept me awake at night worrying about tasks I forgot because I was busy dealing with something else, worrying about spending happening without my knowledge and whether there was money in the budget to cover it, and spending the entirety of my days putting out fires and never feeling like I was getting ahead on the tasks I envisioned myself doing to improve everything overall.

The new job I’m taking is a step down, both in responsibilities and pay. It’s something I actively chose to do, because at this season of my life I felt as though the only option I have to maintain my sanity was to step back. And, ever since, my inner 16 year old has been berating me. That strong willed, determined girl who was so sure that she’d tackle anything handed to her and would refuse to give up is guilt tripping me for letting it get to me. That 16 year old would hate me for admitting that I need time for myself and my family (especially when, at 16, I would have flipped if you told me at 33 I’d be a mom as I was firmly in Camp Child-free for so long), when all she did was work and then come home and work on her freelance client work at home. I feel like I’ve already let her down by having to step away from my web design business projects because having a child has turned out to be far more consuming than I imagined, and now this.

But when life is no longer working for you… when you start feeling like you’re sacrificing your own well-being for a paycheck? It’s time to go a different direction, and this is probably the one time in my life that I actually happily embrace change (or, at least, I will once I get through sorting out all of these stupid feelings.)

Maybe if I make a point to blog my gift project progress, it’ll help keep me on track?

Hats: 1/4 (maybe more, if I have time, but 4 is the minimum)

Quilt blocks done: 2/48 (Oy.)

Socks… to be honest, I have no idea who I’m even knitting these for, yet, but socks always seem like a lovely gift idea for those I love. The trouble, though, is knowing what size the recipient wears to knit them to the correct length.

Ornaments made: A big, fat zero.

 

 

56 days until my deadline on this quilt (right before Christmas). 48 blocks to make this up quilt. Even if I did one block a day, that won’t account for holidays where sewing isn’t possible, nor will it account for the time it will take me to quilt the beast on my tiny machine and then hand-stitch the binding up… it also doesn’t take into account that it’s supposed to be a Christmas gift and, therefore, a surprise even though he knows he’s getting a quilt (he asked for it, after all) so sewing too much of it around Declan isn’t going to be ideal. Do the math and factor in all the knitting I planned to do for gifts and the time that takes…

Crap.

I mean, it’s do-able with a bunch of ifs – IF all my other projects go according to plan and I don’t have to rip anything out, IF I take my knitting with me everywhere I go so I can dedicate time at home to sewing, IF I can manage 3-4 blocks on weekends and maybe 1 a day during the week? Quilt tops are easy, it’s the quilting part I tend to put off, so if I make the top a priority it should leave me a good chunk of time to get the quilting done without the project turning into an Christmas Eve finish-fest in time for it to be under the tree.

Pattern: Easy as Pie, though knit without the edging
Yarn: Handspun from some Fat Cat Knits fiber

I realized, today, that I’m in a funk, so the goal of this weekend is some solid self care. Sunshine, making sure I eat (if you know me, you know that I constantly eat… that should have been my first tip that something was off), and spending some time doing the things I (usually) love. With the holidays coming up, and money being tight at the moment, I’m throwing myself into some gift knitting/sewing with the bazillion craft supplies I own. Probably more adventurous than I actually have the time and energy for, especially when you throw work in the mix. I went back and forth on the decision to make gifts – people either love or hate handmade gifts. I like to think that I don’t make crappy gifts, but there are always people who won’t appreciate it no matter how nice it is. It’s supposed to be the thought that counts, right? So handmade it is – I’ve been canning up jams and jellies, working on knitting some hats, and sewing a few things here and there. Trying to get a collection of things made up for everyone on my list.

Declan has requested a “soft blanket” for his bed, a.k.a. a quilt. That’s going to be the biggest challenge to make out of everything. They’re just so time consuming and a challenge to get the whole thing fed through my machine and quilted. We’ll see if that actually pans out in time to wrap up for Christmas.

I don’t write here much, so I figured with a random day off of work I might as well show off the sweater I finished for the grandkid in the family. I feel like a giant slacker that this is the first handknit he’s going to get since he was born in December… but life is busy and I don’t get to knit as much as I used to.

I’m working on my 2nd attempt at macarons. I tried them a few weeks ago when I was feeling overwhelmed and like I needed to just… make something. The first batch wasn’t terrible, but obviously not right. With the long holiday weekend I figured I’d attempt them again, this time aging the egg whites. They’re still sitting, waiting to develop that “skin” before baking, but so far I think the texture from piping is much better than the last batch. I threw in some orange zest into these, because I love the combination of chocolate and orange, and I’m thinking maybe a white chocolate/orange filling if they turn out.

 

I am generally a grinch about the holidays. It’s not the decor, or the songs, or the cookies – it’s the rushing around everywhere, the buying gifts for every damn person and their brother when you know that I know that you don’t need another candle/movie/whatever else it is that I finally settle on buying you because I feel obligated to give you a gift.

Humbug.

But having a child does stupid things to you, and this year I actually looked forward to the holidays a bit. The rush of the holidays was more stressful, despite my very organized Christmas spreadsheet, but we managed and it all led up to last night’s Christmas at Nana’s and this morning when Danger Boy got to find presents suddenly by the fireplace from Santa. We opened stockings first thing, while we waited for the others to wake up, and then had special Christmas waffles and gingerbread coffee for breakfast before tearing into the actual presents. And, before we knew it, my semi-clean house was right back to trashed with toys scattered everywhere.

And then… there was this post-holiday let-down. Our house guests left, we watched more TV than I cared to… I even managed to read a portion of a book on my Kindle, and I have to tell you that yes, I’m exactly as surprised as you are that THAT happened. It’s a freaking Christmas Miracle, right there, that I managed to read at all with a two year old within an arms reach. Or maybe it was just the giant pile of brand new toys that hadn’t lost their shininess. Otherwise, life got pretty boring. And that’s when I spent more time than I should have and looked at Facebook a little too long to see everyone’s adorable picture-perfect holiday photos. The cute new PJ’s for Christmas Eve. The adorable family photo shots where everyone matches without matching and, basically, look perfect. And then there’s me: in my PJ’s, not even going to bother to shower, and can’t keep my kid in his pajama pants.

And then that little voice in the back of my mind reminds me that not everything we see is real. Pictures are worth a thousand words, but those words often form stories in our heads of what that person’s life is like which is most likely the furthest thing from the truth. For all I know, that other toddler in that cute Christmas Eve photo was just as much of an overtired jerk as my kid was, but do you think my brain jumps to that conclusion? Nope.

So here’s our real life Christmas: A toddler who refused a nap, who then turned into a monster when it came time for Christmas Eve at Nana’s. More toys than any child actually needs, which just caused a lot of stress over where the heck we’re going to store them while also making mental notes on how much more of my life is going to be sucked away by cleaning this junk up. Forgetting the cookies and milk for Santa, or the carrots for the reindeer, and the husband eating half a Cheryl’s cookie and leaving it out on a plate (I also forgot that I had a “cookies for santa” plate to put those cookies on.) Forgetting about opening the PJ’s on Christmas Eve so we could wear them for Christmas morning. The excitement over the stockings being filled and Santa bringing LEGOs, which were put together and then ignored the rest of the day. Christmas waffles, which wasn’t at all the Martha Stewart-quality Waffle Bar I envisioned but still delicious. Ham & cheese sliders for lunch, because I couldn’t come up with anything special (probably best since I have no energy for cooking a fancy dinner), and then more waffles for dinner because it felt like too much work to send someone out for Chinese food. And, ending the whole holiday as it began, a tantrum-throwing toddler who absolutely insists he isn’t tired and 45 minutes of fighting… all for him to pass out 5 minutes later.

It isn’t remotely perfect. It isn’t what I envisioned or planned. But it is what it is, and there’s always next year to do a little better, have a little more patience and lower expectations.