Candice DeWitt

November is the pearl-grey month, the changeling between warm crimson October and cold white December, the month when the leaves fall in slow drifting whirls, and the shapes of the trees are revealed, when the earth imperceptibly wakes, and stretches her bare limbs and displays her stubborn unconquerable strength before she settles uneasily into winter. November is secret and silent.

Alison Uttley

Daylight savings today, and thus begins the slow decline into seasonal depression on top of my regular anxiety and depression. It’s somewhat hard to believe that November is already here – it feels like October was such a blur and, yet, dragged on.

This was, in part, because I spent the month of October dealing with some things I had been ignoring. Diet was the first thing to come up thanks to what I’m pretty sure was food poisoning, and, since the beginning of the month, I’ve basically been eating vegan-ish and avoiding animal products where I can. Life is busy and stressful and it isn’t something I am aiming to go 100% on (not yet, at least). I don’t want to be out with friends and refuse to eat something because it isn’t vegan. I’ll eat some chicken if/when I want it. But I’m aiming to have the bulk of my food intake be plant-based, with a heavier focus on lots of green veggies, and it seems to have really helped over these last few weeks.

The second thing, which was really the biggest and most difficult, was that I decided to quit drinking alcohol for the month. Quitting drinking was something I’ve off-and-on tried (and failed). It isn’t so much something I want to do so much as something I know I need to do along with the rest of my self-care. Over the last few years – since having Declan, actually – my relationship with alcohol has become poorly managed and, probably not coincidentally, hasn’t helped my anxiety and depression any.

I’m not going to pretend this month has been easy because it hasn’t. At all. I’ve always been the type of person to feel things deeply and intensely. I’ve never really been taught how to deal with that, however. I’ve never learned how to acknowledge those feelings and then let them go instead of wallowing in them. I don’t like feelings. I don’t like to feel like I do. Alcohol became the perfect tool to numb that – an escape to dull the intensity. It provided a temporary bliss that made the world tolerable. And, then, it became a problem.

Quitting drinking isn’t just hard because of the cravings and the desire to run away from my feelings. It is hard because of having to face those feelings. To sit alone at home, night after night, and feel how lonely I am. How frustrated or sad or angry I am. I don’t have any answers, still, about how to even manage this. I have spent a good portion of the month just kind of surviving. Trying to take each day as it comes and push through.

I’m pretty sure Buttercup can sense all of this because he’s been close by my side more than usual these last few weeks. Also, we have achieved belly rubs! He likes flop down next to me at night while I’m reading and let me rub his belly. Silver linings, I suppose.

November is National Knit a Sweater Month, so I decided to cast on for a Throwback cardigan to give myself something to turn my attention to. With my annual knitting weekend coming up, I figured it would be perfect timing to try to knock out a sweater and feel some sense of accomplishment. So far, two days in, I’ve managed to almost complete the yoke. As quick as this is going, I’m going to guess that I will be able to knit the bulk of this in the upcoming weekend. Hopefully, at least.

Hey look, I finally finished a thing. It only sat for over a month simply needing the seed stitch on the sleeves. Took hardly any time at all, which I knew but just… kept putting off.

Now to search for the perfect black skirt or dress to layer this over.

Pattern is My Boy Lollipop, knit in Ritual Dyes Priestess in the Cancer zodiac colorway.

I do not need to start a new project. I certainly didn’t necessarily NEED to buy more yarn. To be fair, I didn’t actually buy a sweater quantity of yarn today – I had purchased that Tartan color back in July when we were in Michigan. And I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT NEED TO START A NEW PROJECT.

But when my sweet friend Ellis drove down from Cleveland to visit before she moves clear across the country, I took us on a little field trip to one of my favorite little stores in Columbus, Sew to Speak, and decided I needed a Throwback sweater. And given that I already had enough of the Brooklyn Tweed for the base color, I just needed to choose my contrasting colors for the colorwork. Embers, Tent, and Woodsmoke turned out to be the perfect colorways to accent the Tartan color. And because I know if I don’t start this sweater now, it probably won’t get made until next year (if even then), and I’d rather wear it this year rather than next.

Nevermind that I picked up a bunch of yarn at Wool Gathering this year, which was all destined for more summery knits. That’s a good enough excuse anyway, isn’t it? I’m not going to want to wear a fingering weight cardigan when it’s 0 degrees outside anyway. So I’m just going to cooly pretend that I’ll get to that yarn after I knit up this lovely sweater, which might actually be true at the rate I’ve been knitting and actually finishing projects… it’s entirely possible that by the time this sweater ends up completed it will be March and I’ll be dying for summer and looking at knitting more lightweight tops and cardigans.

I should probably finish that My Boy Lollipop top that has been sitting waiting for just a few spare rows of sleeve edging before I can officially call it complete. And no, I have no idea why I keep putting it off… it would literally take me maybe an hour to call it done but I just… can’t be bothered to start them. It feels like far more work than I know it really is.

Well, we’re back into school season and I didn’t do pretty much anything on my summer break to do list. I didn’t finish a single book despite my pile of them, nor did I finish any knits other than a sock project I had in the works for too long. I may have been hoping for a relaxed summer, but what we actually had was lots of random stuff going on that didn’t lend itself to much time to just slow down and just… be.

I did start a Crumb cardigan earlier in the summer but it turns out I loathe the CoBaSi yarn I bought for it. I have been forcing myself to knit on it in an attempt to finish it but it languishes in my knitting bag still waiting for sleeves. I had this BEAUTIFUL “Cancer” zodiac-themed yarn from Ritual Dyes I recently acquired from my Michigan trip visit to Wool & Honey that I was itching to knit, and ended up casting on for a My Boy Lollipop for some knitting I actually enjoy. And it has not disappointed – this yarn is DELICIOUS. SO soft, so wonderful to work with, and just such a pretty shade of blue that my Cancerian little heart adores.

This little project has been toting around with me everywhere lately. I have opted to knit on my lunch breaks at work instead of doing homework, as I’m trying to work on balancing my life better this semester, which has meant this project going along pretty swimmingly. It helps that it’s such an easy, straightforward pattern to follow so there’s no need to spend most of my lunch break trying to follow charts and only finish a row a day.

I’m trying hard to finish this make before I start anything else, but with winter approaching I’m feeling the pull to cast on all the things. Declan needs a new winter hat, this bike commuting thing means needing some new gloves and maybe some cute legwarmers for the chilly morning bike ride to work, there’s a few sweaters I want to knit… that’s not even counting the sewing I want to do. I have another Fen Dress in progress in some Carolina Gingham, some black linen for a sleeved Hinterland… plus there’s always knitting accessories to go with those dresses. So much I want to do!

Last week I popped into my local bike shop, Rocky’s, with the idea of scoping out a new bike to save up for as I work on commuting by bike more around town. I’ve been trying to bike to work more since it’s only a mile each way, both for the exercise and the eco-friendliness of it – but mostly the exercise because let’s be real: 8 hours a day tied to a desk job isn’t doing me any favors weight and health-wise.

My 23 year old mountain bike works but isn’t very comfortable and I knew I’d need an upgrade soon. I’ve had my eye on a few brands, but wanted to try one out before committing to spending that kind of money on a bike in case I ended up not being comfortable on it. I mean, this little romanticized daydream of mine of riding a step through bike around town to work, the farmer’s market, etc could really be a dream and I might totally hate the bike, right?

Rocky’s didn’t happen to have the version I was looking for in stock (an Electra Loft 7D), but the wonderful owner – Carol – said she’d put it in her cart for her next big order, prefacing it with that it could be a few weeks before it was in. No big deal – I wasn’t really in a hurry (or so I thought).

Friends, IT WAS LESS THAN A WEEK! I received a phone call yesterday letting me know the bike was in, built, and ready for me to come look at her. So, like any excited dork would do, I did a little happy dance at my desk, rushed home on my old mountain bike, picked up the kid with the car, and then rushed back to the bike shop to check it out.

Love at first sight, let me tell ya. Declan even called her gorgeous and gave her a kiss. And the ride? Oh my god, SO much nicer than that old mountain bike that I’m probably too big for. Whether I intended on buying a bike that day or not didn’t matter – this baby was coming home with me. And come home, she did.

All she’s missing is a basket on the front so I can haul my lunch bag to/from work without my backpack, and a rear rack so I can strap down my Yellowbird Food Shed produce box on Fridays (because right now I drive to work on Fridays because I’d have no other way to get the box home on my mountain bike, and it’s too big of a box to comfortably haul the mile home by walking. I have the front basket on order already, and am waiting to hear back from the bike shop on the rear rack.

In the meantime, while I wait, I’m cleaning the house to ready it for Declan’s 5th birthday party next week, canning up MORE pizza sauce, and trying to finish up a few crafting/sewing projects so I can get my desk space cleared and ready to jump head-first back into college. There will most likely be another batch (the 4th, but hey, who’s counting?) of pizza sauce before the weekend is over with the rate my tomatoes are ripening.

The tomatoes are beginning to ripen in the garden, which means I am starting to ever-so-slowly can up this year’s batch of pizza sauce for use later in the winter. I’m using the recipe from Preserving by the Pint, which has been a fabulous book these last few years as I scale back on, well, pretty much everything.

Pre-kid, you’d find me with pounds and POUNDS of garden produce that I’d be canning up for use later in the season. But these days… not so much. It’s a combination of reasons, really – not putting out as big of a garden anymore, having a kid sucks up a lot more time I’d otherwise spend in the kitchen, and just overall trying to live a little more minimally to help combat the anxiety and everyday stress that I deal with by only making things I absolutely know we’ll eat and use up (rather than because all those jams and jellies sounded fun and then just sit there because I’m the only one who eats them in the house).

The minimal aspect is really something on my brain a lot more lately, especially as we are getting so close to school starting back up and schedules getting even crazier in our lives. The amount of stuff we have has begun to weigh on me and drive me crazy, and I’m about to just go around the house with a bunch of trash bags and toss it all. Just my kitchen cabinets, alone – stuffed with more food than I know what to do with because we buy for recipes and then life happens and we get too busy and never make them – makes me feel anxious every time I open the cabinet or try to come up with a grocery list that will only add to the mess.

I’ve gone on these minimalist-ish binges before. I’ll purge a bunch of things, feel happier, and then move on and fall back to my old ways. But the older I get, the more important it feels to stick with it, both because things are just things and experiences are what Declan appreciates more, and because I really just do not want to spend the majority of my life cleaning up after everyone and stressing about how messy the house is when all of that could be eliminated if I just got rid of a bunch of stuff.

So that’s my mission for the first part of August before life gets hectic again: decrapify the house. Our trash guys will probably hate me over the next few weeks 😀

Hi all! I took longer to get this posted than I would have liked, but such is life. We spent a lovely bit of time at the beginning of July in Traverse City, Michigan for our vacation. I unknowingly planned it during the Cherry Festival, and was told by coworkers that I’d hate it because of how busy it was. But we actually had a really good time, festival and all!

We went north with very little in the way of plans, more like goals of things in the area we’d like to see. I resisted my need to overplan everything, so there was no daily schedule dictating what we saw when. Instead, we just went with the flow and it was the best decision ever. Sunday was spent at the festival, where Declan rode some rides, we watched the air show, and spent some time walking around downtown. Monday we made a trip to Sleeping Bear Dunes, with a pit stop at Wool & Honey on the way there to pick up birthday yarn (since I turned 35 while on our trip), and then after the dunes we visited Glen Arbor to have lunch and pick up wine at Cherry Republic. Tuesday, our last day there, we drove around the peninsula looking around, stopped by the lighthouse where I spent a stupid amount of time obsessively digging in the shore to find Petoskey stones, and then headed back to a park near our AirBnB where Declan played on the playground and I found certifiable Petoskey stones (the ones found at the lighthouse might be more fossils than the real deal, but they looked cool so I brought them home anyway for further inspection).

Since coming home the rest of the time has been a bit of a blur. The first week of work was pretty rough after spending the last few weeks part-timing it while my mom was away. There has been raspberries picked from the garden, some time at the pool, but, mostly, getting back into routines.

I feel like I need more time off, but at the same time I feel pretty rejuvenated and ready to tackle some things around the house. I always seem to want to declutter and downsize more things when we come home from vacation – something about living away from all your crap reminds you of how little you actually need to be happy. So, I’m trying to run with that as best as I can. I’ll never be full on minimalist, but it IS really nice to look around and not see so much clutter everywhere, or the reminders of long-forgotten projects never to be finished. A bit of refocusing on the things that matter was exactly what I needed! <3

I meant to post up weekly about my Yellow Bird Food Shed box but… oops. We ate more salads out of box 2, and if I’m being honest box 3 basically went… ignored. Today being Tuesday, I have yet to even dig in to box 4. We’ve been awful at eating at home because of life and stress. Though we’ve also been awful at eating out… honestly, most nights Declan and I more snack than eat real meals.

I finished a thing. A “Sunlight for Sad People” shawl out of some yarn I bought back in February that I meant to turn into a scarf to wear to the cold Columbus Crew spring games. I cast on for something almost immediately after buying it and then screwed it up and it became a whole mess, so I ripped it all out and started fresh. I like this one much better. I decided to add some black to the edge, which I think ends the shawl nicely. I also did increases on the wrong side, as well, to make the ends longer for tying, as I hate how short they can be on triangle shawls. I’d almost say it’s too warm now to wear it, but temps this week have been cool for June so who knows – might get to use it while I hang out on the porch with a drink after the kiddo goes to bed.

Things are quiet around here, otherwise. I’m feeling a bit… panicked about not having as many things done as I had hoped with not having class take up all my time and energy. I mean, yes, this is only June 11th. But there’s 76 days until I start up class again. Yes, I’m ridiculous and have a countdown. Yes, it is making me panic more. I feel like in the month or so that I’ve not been tied to my desk for homework I should have wayyyyy more done. I haven’t canned a single jar of jam yet, nor any macarons or any other delicious baked good. In my mind, I thought I’d get all of this domestic stuff done so I could go into the semester in August feeling like I made the most of my free time. Same goes for my sewing – I have a Wiksten tank lingering on the dress form, several different fabrics meant for dresses and skirts and tanks that I have yet to even cut into. And my knitting has been pretty ADD as I jump from socks to cardigan to shawl and then spend stupid amounts of time looking at patterns and projects that I’ll probably not get to. Also, books. I had a list of books I wanted to read this summer. Probably isn’t going to happen anytime soon, unless I magically get a kid-free evening to really sit and immerse myself in something without interruption.

I HAVE been better on my whole self-care routine that I mentioned back around Mother’s Day. Not great, but better. I went to the gym 2 weeks in a row. Nevermind that I didn’t go today and will probably not go Thursday because of how my schedule is this week. But progress, right? And I’ve been eating better. I also started on working on some other misc things around the house – mostly working on letting go of old projects that I have no desire to revisit/finish, letting go of some sentimental clutter that I’ve held on to because of feeling obligated to and not because I actually wanted to, etc.

I decided to sign us up for the Yellowbird Foodshed box this summer on a kind of last-minute whim. I had heard a few months ago about their boxes but then promptly forgot about it again until early this month when I was in the local juice shop and someone came in to ask about the boxes and verify their pickup date. As soon as I got back to my desk at work I was on the website and signing up so I could get in on the first box.

Last week, that first box arrived, which was quite an exciting way for me to break up my day at work. I opted for the base/medium box, which was $30 – I opted for this version because I knew there was probably no way we’d eat all the produce from the large box.

Each week I receive an email with the intended contents of each box so I can know what i have coming and plan ahead. Here is what my box list looked like:

Box list here

I also chose to add on strawberries and blue potatoes to my box, which meant my cost that week was slightly more.

Over the course of this last week i put my produce to use as follows:

Spring salad mix was made into salads (duh) – For the first salad I fried up some bacon, chopped up one of the apples, threw on some dairy-free cheese, and drizzled the whole thing with a vinaigrette I made with some Olivina oil and vinegar in my pantry. The 2nd one was similar, only I used watermelon and mint from the box with some feta.

Kale was used in a marinated kale salad (dressing was goat cheese, honey, and apple balsamic vinegar from Olivina) and topped it with dried cranberries and pecans. I also took thin slices of the evercrisp apples and made a grown up grilled cheese by sandwiching the apple between slices of muenster cheese.

Oh and asparagus i sliced up and cooked up with scrambled eggs to get some veggies in with my breakfasts.

I haven’t used the watercress yet and i’m afraid now it’ll be bad but i didn’t plan very well for my box this first week. Same with the swiss chard, which looked an awful lot like bok choy. I put my potatoes to use by roasting them in the oven with a little olive oil and they were delicious! And blue/purple on the inside, too!

This week my goal is to better use the contents of my box so nothing goes to waste, so stay tuned for next week’s Yellowbird Food Shed update to see what I actually end up doing with it all!

Mother’s Day has been, for me, a mixed bag of feelings. Historically, I spend the day bouncing around from one emotion to the next, and sit a little too long with my disappointment and become an emotional, moody mess.

That is not going to be me this year.

For too long I’ve spent my “special” day feeling hurt over not being appreciated or celebrated enough by my people. I mean, the whole house would fall apart, both figuratively and literally, without me. Don’t they even care about how easy their lives are because of me? (I’m kidding… a little)

But I had this realization today, after a day out shopping with my own mama, that I’m not being fair to myself here. Yes, I want to feel loved and appreciated for all I do for those around me (and I’d rather it be more than just one time a year, but whatever) – but I don’t do enough for myself to show myself some love. Not in the ways I really need and should, at least.

I don’t mean taking myself out for a pedicure or shopping and splurging on some new clothes. I mean that I am literally neglecting myself lately. For example:

• I’m not working out like I used to (or at all, if I’m being honest) and while life was hectic with college and all, I’m willing to admit that I used it as an excuse to justify not going when, ultimately, the hour-ish that it would take out of my week wasn’t as impactful as I made it out to be. And when I do go to the gym I have to take my kid with me and it’s not the enjoyable experience I used to have going kid-free, and then I use THAT as an excuse to not go, too.
• I am eating trash. And a lot of it. I used to be so good about meal prepping and having healthy foods to eat. And then life got busy and I got lazy and it became easier to hit the drive-thru. Except now I’ve gained 30 of the 20lbs I lost from all my prior hard work (yes, 30), my clothes don’t fit which is depressing, and overall I feel exactly like that whole “you are what you eat” thing. (Gross, friends. I feel GROSS.)

So this Mother’s Day I’m fixing this. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t expect others to appreciate you when you don’t even appreciate yourself, right? Right.

So tomorrow I’m going to sit down and make a giant list of all the ways I can show myself some more appreciation and love and take care of myself just like I take care of everyone else. First on the list will probably be “stop hating my body and just make peace with it” followed up by “feed my body like I love it” aka stop eating sausage breakfast crunch wraps from Taco Bell even though they’re so freaking good.