A.D.D. craft-a-holic
I don’t write here much, so I figured with a random day off of work I might as well show off the sweater I finished for the grandkid in the family. I feel like a giant slacker that this is the first handknit he’s going to get since he was born in December… but life is busy and I don’t get to knit as much as I used to.
I’m working on my 2nd attempt at macarons. I tried them a few weeks ago when I was feeling overwhelmed and like I needed to just… make something. The first batch wasn’t terrible, but obviously not right. With the long holiday weekend I figured I’d attempt them again, this time aging the egg whites. They’re still sitting, waiting to develop that “skin” before baking, but so far I think the texture from piping is much better than the last batch. I threw in some orange zest into these, because I love the combination of chocolate and orange, and I’m thinking maybe a white chocolate/orange filling if they turn out.
I am generally a grinch about the holidays. It’s not the decor, or the songs, or the cookies – it’s the rushing around everywhere, the buying gifts for every damn person and their brother when you know that I know that you don’t need another candle/movie/whatever else it is that I finally settle on buying you because I feel obligated to give you a gift.
Humbug.
But having a child does stupid things to you, and this year I actually looked forward to the holidays a bit. The rush of the holidays was more stressful, despite my very organized Christmas spreadsheet, but we managed and it all led up to last night’s Christmas at Nana’s and this morning when Danger Boy got to find presents suddenly by the fireplace from Santa. We opened stockings first thing, while we waited for the others to wake up, and then had special Christmas waffles and gingerbread coffee for breakfast before tearing into the actual presents. And, before we knew it, my semi-clean house was right back to trashed with toys scattered everywhere.
And then… there was this post-holiday let-down. Our house guests left, we watched more TV than I cared to… I even managed to read a portion of a book on my Kindle, and I have to tell you that yes, I’m exactly as surprised as you are that THAT happened. It’s a freaking Christmas Miracle, right there, that I managed to read at all with a two year old within an arms reach. Or maybe it was just the giant pile of brand new toys that hadn’t lost their shininess. Otherwise, life got pretty boring. And that’s when I spent more time than I should have and looked at Facebook a little too long to see everyone’s adorable picture-perfect holiday photos. The cute new PJ’s for Christmas Eve. The adorable family photo shots where everyone matches without matching and, basically, look perfect. And then there’s me: in my PJ’s, not even going to bother to shower, and can’t keep my kid in his pajama pants.
And then that little voice in the back of my mind reminds me that not everything we see is real. Pictures are worth a thousand words, but those words often form stories in our heads of what that person’s life is like which is most likely the furthest thing from the truth. For all I know, that other toddler in that cute Christmas Eve photo was just as much of an overtired jerk as my kid was, but do you think my brain jumps to that conclusion? Nope.
So here’s our real life Christmas: A toddler who refused a nap, who then turned into a monster when it came time for Christmas Eve at Nana’s. More toys than any child actually needs, which just caused a lot of stress over where the heck we’re going to store them while also making mental notes on how much more of my life is going to be sucked away by cleaning this junk up. Forgetting the cookies and milk for Santa, or the carrots for the reindeer, and the husband eating half a Cheryl’s cookie and leaving it out on a plate (I also forgot that I had a “cookies for santa” plate to put those cookies on.) Forgetting about opening the PJ’s on Christmas Eve so we could wear them for Christmas morning. The excitement over the stockings being filled and Santa bringing LEGOs, which were put together and then ignored the rest of the day. Christmas waffles, which wasn’t at all the Martha Stewart-quality Waffle Bar I envisioned but still delicious. Ham & cheese sliders for lunch, because I couldn’t come up with anything special (probably best since I have no energy for cooking a fancy dinner), and then more waffles for dinner because it felt like too much work to send someone out for Chinese food. And, ending the whole holiday as it began, a tantrum-throwing toddler who absolutely insists he isn’t tired and 45 minutes of fighting… all for him to pass out 5 minutes later.
It isn’t remotely perfect. It isn’t what I envisioned or planned. But it is what it is, and there’s always next year to do a little better, have a little more patience and lower expectations.
This year Christmas came early, and in the form of my very own DSLR. For years I’ve used Sean’s 20D, or (my preferred) Canon point-and-shoot because the 20D was big and bulky for my smaller hands. I hate sharing – I’m just not that kind of person. I like my own computer, my own camera, my own Kindle, etc. Sean knew this, and gave me the option to pick between two cameras he had already looked into for me. The Rebel T6 is what I decided on, and shortly after it arrived I unboxed it so I could start using it already (opening presents as an adult on Christmas morning is overrated, anyway). I have to say – I really love the size of this thing. You can tell how much smaller it is on that side-by-side photo.
Since I’ve already opened it, I’m trying to make an effort to, you know, use it. So I’ve been toying around with the idea of doing a Project 365 of some sort to both force myself to use it and, also, try to look for the happy/lovely things in my life that I don’t always see on a daily basis. The things that used to make me happy, I mean. Maybe it’ll spark some sort of creativity in me? In theory, if I’m thinking about how I need to do some pictures that week I might try to come up with something to actually do that week other than sit and watch TV like a lump on the couch. This, of course, is total theory and the actual practice isn’t ever going to be that easy. But I’m thinking it might be the push I need to do something for myself to help hold onto those pieces of my identity that feels lost most days. To keep it from being totally unreasonable, I think a once-a-week posting is probably more than acceptable so I don’t feel like I have to make time for it every evening.
Sounds totally doable.
Or I could be totally delusional. Time will tell, I suppose.
About this photos from this last week:
The whole house has been hit with what appears to be (or at least feel like) the plague. We just keep cycling through, with one of us passing it to the rest of us and, for a brief moment, we all feel somewhat healthy again before it’s right back downhill for all of us. I’m beyond tired of it and my patience is wearing super thin at this point. The lack of any personal space with a toddler on a normal day drives me bonkers, but with a sick toddler? DO NOT WANT. Gone, I guess, are the days of a leisurely sick day – the one where you get to sit and watch whatever shows you want, knit and sip on soup and tea and actually relax and let your body heal. No, these days are now filled with a sick mama watching Paw Patrol and Bubble Guppies for the bazillionth time, wiping runny noses, arguing over why we can’t have corndogs for breakfast, and wishing I could just have a day to myself for my own self care instead of spending the time I need to heal catering to a tiny dictator. It’s probably no wonder I’m still rocking this awesome gravelly voice.
That wish was half-granted Friday, when I was able to take off a half day from work. I probably should have used my time to come home and bleach the whole house to kill off whatever it is that won’t leave us alone, but I decided against that in favor of self care and sat and watched some of The Crown on Netflix and worked on this little guy. I want to make a few more if I actually get some time, but I think I might need more felt first. (If you’re wondering what I did to make him, I had this cookie cutter that I traced onto felt and used the icing piping as a general guideline for my embroidery, and I used a bit of handspun to knit him a little scarf to match the socks in that last photo.)
The lack of personal space, mentioned earlier, has pushed me a lot to re-evaluate my projects that I take on. With a lack of time, most of my supplies sit and collect dust. And, to be perfectly honest, I just feel completely empty and devoid of inspiration to make anything these days. I’m still struggling with that bit, as it often feels like I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I’ve gone from someone who always had a project going – whether it was sewing or knitting or baking or brewing – to nothing. Nothing I’m excited about, at least.
I’ve piled up a large amount of my fabric to get rid of, sad as that sounds – there’s a bit of sadness in seeing all these previous ideas and inspirations that will never come to be, but it’s necessary. I can always re-buy when inspiration (and time) strikes. Having physical reminders of those ideas every time I open my craft closet is mentally draining. Stuff weighs on us more than we realize, and while I’ve worked on embracing minimalism in a lot of other areas of my life the crafts were always the hardest to part with. And I suppose it’s something that I’ve finally been able to let these things go.
I don’t want to talk about the election today – there’s nothing I could say that others haven’t already said, anyway, and there’s really no use in dwelling on things. So allow me to distract you (and myself) and tell you about my weekend.
For 6 years now I have been blessed to have my best friends join me in a cabin in the middle of the woods for a knitting weekend together. It’s something that started off one year after I complained about how expensive knitting “retreats” are, and has since bloomed into this annual tradition that we all look forward to. We take turns cooking for each other, we stay up late and watch movies, hang out in the hot tub, and, of course, knit and knit and knit. Sometimes we drive to one of the local yarn shops (well, when one is still in business), other years we dye yarn/fiber with food coloring. Some years we’ll hit the local caves and go hiking before we all part ways and head home. The weekend is literally whatever we want it to be.
It is, by far, my favorite weekend out of the year. It’s that perfect slow down before Thanksgiving and Christmas take over. It’s that perfect time to bond with my girlfriends to make up for all the missed knit group days throughout the year when life got in the way.
(In case you’re wondering what I’m working on there, the red/white is my own holiday stocking – the last of 4 I needed to make – and the other is the broken seed stitch socks that I cast on so I could have a break from the never-ending chart reading on the stocking.)
Earlier this month I took a trip of “firsts” – first proper vacation in my adult life, first airplane trip, first visit to the beach, first time trying real lobster, first time trying an oyster (and there’s video of it to prove it on Facebook, but spoiler: they’re gross), first ocean sunset, first 2-piece bathing suit in public without giving a damn… It was a blissful 5 days of food, relaxation, knitting, reading, shopping, and all of it kid and husband-free! I finished a sock and a book on that trip, which might be the first time I’ve finished anything in that short of a period in who knows how long. (That 2nd sock was finished the weekend after I got back – somehow my toddler managed to leave me alone long enough for me to knit it up to have a finished pair instead of a lingering single sock)
Sadly, those 5 days had to come to an end, and then it was back to the daily grind. But I made sure, like any good knitter, to hit up the local yarn shop for souvenir yarn before we left. We were in Sarasota, so we visited A Good Yarn. Now, I love my Ohio yarn shops. But this place? This place puts them all to shame. There was a room with a circle of chairs where people were spinning yarn on their wheels (be still, my heart!), plus people sitting around knitting and chatting, PLUS more people taking lessons. The yarn shop owner asked what we were looking for and upon hearing we were looking for “vacation yarn” directed us to a wall of yarns dyed and named for some photos of fish and sea life. Score!
There were too many pretties to choose from, and despite my desire to be more minimalist I fell hard for the two I came home with – Squirrelfish and Octopus Garden. Sock yarn isn’t supposed to count as stash, right? (Except it totally does when you already have plenty of socks… but maybe if I knit it up for gift socks it won’t be so bad?) This is where the “poor judge of my time” thing kicks in… because despite knowing my schedule sucks and knitting/crafting in general has been non-existent I still bought two skeins because I, crazy knitter lady, think I’m going to get to them this winter. Nevermind that I already have sock yarn lingering in my stash… or a laundry list of other knits I need to get to, first. Sigh. Maybe one of these days I’ll curb that yarn impulse shopping…
Next up on the knitting front… hats. One for the toddler for his Halloween costume, and two for a dear friend’s little ones once the yarn arrives. Hoping I can get them done before my annual knitting weekend so I can use that kid-free weekend to knock out the last knit Christmas stocking, which happens to be mine.
All it’s missing is a few buttons at the neck line on the side, but otherwise this little sweet sweater, aptly named Sweet William, is completed. It took me far longer to knit than it should have, but I’ve basically lost interest in knitting temporarily so it took forcing myself to knit on it to get it completed.
Life is busy, and exhausting, and mostly at the end of the day I just want to sleep than knit. So I’ve turned my focus toward decluttering more, because much like AA a recovering hoarder is always workign to stay on the wagon. The busier life gets, the easier it gets to let things go. Old craft projects that I never will finish, or fabric for projects that I’ve lost interest in, etc. We’re contemplating a major housing downsize – probably not anytime soon, but that’s the ultimate goal. Less room so we have less space for less junk that just sits and collects dust. And, ultimately, less money on utilities and maintenance so we can do things we would rather do, like travel. Experiences, not things as the minimalist mantra goes. So lots of this… stuff just needs to go.
This sweater is taking far longer than it should. All that stockinette should have gone like a breeze, and all in all it probably would have if I didn’t have to fight to keep a toddler out of my lap (or keep him from trying to “help”). For what it’s worth, my kid has his own knitting – a dishcloth project in progress that didn’t have much yarn left to tangle up – but what mama works on looks more fun, I guess? I not-so-secretly love that he wants to knit, though, and hope this keeps up as he gets older but I’m trying to keep my dreams in check because the reality is that he’ll probably do a 180 and not care about learning to knit once he discovers video games or something.